As we gradually enter the final month of Q4, thoughts about the preceding 11 months begin to emerge as we prepare to end another year. While we consider the good things that occurred during the year, we primarily consider the things we would have done differently or that we wish we could have changed. Looking more closely at how people think back on bad experiences, past failures appear to be a common theme. Although failure carries a stigma that can either hold us back or keep us in place, it can also be a catalyst for constructive personal growth.
“The phoenix must burn to emerge.”
Janet Fitch
The negative effects of failure, like feelings of worthlessness, shame, embarrassment, or incompetence, are known as the stigma of failure. “I’m a failure” or “I can’t succeed now that I’ve failed” are possible thoughts. People may be afraid of failing because they don’t want to feel ashamed or embarrassed. To shield themselves from sadness, regret, and disappointment, people might decide not to try in the first place. Instead of viewing failure as a normal aspect of life, people may view it as a weakness or a personal shortcoming. When failure is stigmatized, it becomes a barrier to one’s professional and personal growth rather than a teaching moment. This method restricts people’s capacity to develop and learn. We need to shift our perspective on failure.
Turning tragedy into triumph?
I recently had a personal experience with what I considered a failure. I found a position where I could volunteer with an agency that advocates for children in the court system. These children are considered abused and neglected and need legal intervention to some degree or another. This seemed like my dream job, as children and healthy childhood experiences are my niche! I completed my training, and decided to use my degree to apply for a permanent position. The interview (a panel of 3 people) left me feeling out of place, I expected a totally different interview style, along with questions aimed a bit more throughly towards my educational background as well as experience and vision for the position. I felt like I did not do nearly as well as I envisioned during the interview and I was disappointed in myself. Ironically enough, I was chosen as the final candidate, but after the interview I was no longer interested in the position. I dealt with a load of cognitive dissonance after I was asked to take on 2 volunteer cases while I wait for my background checks and references to be done.
I reluctantly agreed to take both cases and when I finished wading though the details of each case, instead of feeling the joy of advocating for innocent children, I felt more angst and dread than I could have ever anticipated. I felt heavy and regretful. Between the structure of the program, and the nature of the job, I felt that I was in over my head. Also add to the fact that it was a county over and I was volunteering a significant amount of time driving to various appointments all while still having to work my usual day job. After the cases were dissolved from my assignment, the actual job itself went on hold status and I did not receive my official offer letter. Out of the myriad of emotions that I felt, failure was number one. But why? Who did I fail? Myself? My dreams? The children? The program? The director? Maybe all of the previously mentioned? I spent days questioning my decision and true ability to even take on the job. Was I ever able to do this permanently in the first place? I felt failure facing me from all directions and a pretty gloomy set of days followed. The pivot came when I decided to stop embracing the negative feelings and really analyze my emotions in order to correct my way of thinking.
Create a space for balanced emotions
- Give yourself permission to feel.
- Practice self-compassion.
- Reflect on the experience and adopt a growth mindset.
- Revisit your goals and create a plan for the future
By following these suggestions, I was able to return to the path I had previously chosen and escape the stigma associated with failure. I began writing down everything I felt as part of my therapeutic journey. I asked myself important questions like; Was this really a personal fail, or did I try something new that strengthened my old plan? I practiced self-compassion by acknowledging my accomplishments for the year, earning my most recent degree, and having the courage and self inspiration to begin a new one! I began to give myself a pat on the back for the new experience I had gained, in the brief time I had been in the role. I also told myself that leaving it behind would not be a failure or a disservice to the children because they would still receive the services they require from advocates who aren’t overly sympathetic and could potentially compromise their professionalism. After regaining my focus, I made the decision to switch my degree paths beginning in January 2025, in order to pursue the career that I originally wanted. My original path still enables me to work with children, but in an environment more structured towards developmental early intervention vs stressful and intensive legal intervention.
Facing forward
What obstacles have you overcome as you consider both past and future reflections? Which setbacks have you overcome to achieve success? In what areas can you make improvements for the remainder of 2024 that will carry over into 2025? It’s essential to a growth mindset to remember that we can use our lessons as building blocks to keep moving in the direction we want to go; experience and adversity make excellent teachers.
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” –
Denis Waitle
Self Cultivation 